It Seems To Be Getting Better

So it's been about three weeks since I've said goodbye to my Chocolate Love. I told my Godmother about him and she suggested that I talk to him as a couple of people have and I considered it but I've since opted against it. I'm not obsessing over this man like I used to, not really paying him a whole lot of attention. He seems to be doing his thing with work which I can respect and since things with me are getting ready to really hit the fan I can't really deal with someone who isn't really thinking about me.

Today saw him for the first time in almost 3 weeks and I wasn't overly impressed. My mind didn't race in a million different directions when I saw him. I didn't secretly smile to myself when we made eye contact. It looks like I'm over it. Now as long as something doesn't happen to set me back 6 months I should be good. But for now, it seems like things are getting better.

Goodbye My Chocolate Love

I know it's been a while since I've posted something based on my insane life. Maybe that means that things are starting to slow down and I am gaining some sort of sanity. Probably not. But for this particular post, since it has to do with men, I thought it would be most appropriate to place it here. 

Background 

I've been in this really weird space with a guy that I really liked for a good portion of 2010. As 2010 was winding down, I decided that I would have "the talk" with him, say what I needed to say and see what happens. The challenge was that he wasn't around and I didn't want to have the conversation electronically. So I said that if I didn't have the conversation by the end of the year, I wasn't going to have it. Long story less long, we didn't have the talk. Because we haven't had the talk, there is a part of me that feels like it's time to move on. Also as 2010 was winding down, I said that I was going to have the talk because I needed to know where things were because I wasn't going into 2011 with such confusion. I needed to know so I could know which way to go and what to do next. Things had gotten out of control on my end; I was having multiple dreams about him, not all of them were sexual in nature, but there were some that were. He was constantly on my mind. I was thinking about him at times when I should have been thinking about someone else - just completely out of control. So you could kind of understand why I wanted to get a handle on things, especially going into the New Year. Even though I was scared out of my mind, I knew that it was something that I needed to do either move together or move on. But alas, I didn't get to have the talk. I am okay with it. While it wasn't what I wanted, I'm okay with it. 

Flashback

I was coming out of a relationship and I decided that I needed some type of closure. My ex and I weren't really on speaking terms but I feel like I had a lot to say (maybe because I always have to have the last word, something I am really working on). So I wrote a closure letter. It wasn't for him to read, it was more so for me to feel like I said what I needed to say. In fact, I didn't give him the letter. I put it in a box and I actually still have it. I haven't read it in a long time but I remember that doing that made me feel so much better. So I figure that now would be a good time to write my closure letter to Mr. Milk Dud.

The Letter

Dear Milk Dud, 
I didn't think that it would happen this way. I didn't think that I would move on. Or maybe I did and just didn't want to face it. Maybe I was clouded by my hopeless romantic side, blinded by my constant thoughts of what you and I would be like together. But the truth was, I never KNEW how you felt about me and I never said in words how I felt about you. Here it is completely after the fact. I liked you. I liked you so much that it would make me crazy (or it just enhanced the crazy that was already present). I liked the time we spent together, I liked the jokes we cracked with and on one another, I liked your perspective on things. I appreciated your honesty, even if I didn't agree with it. Even when shit hit the fan, we fell out, got back and handled it like adults. That experience was more than I could have ever imagined and I am grateful to have shared that experience with you. That said, plus the fact that I had dreams about you of all types, thoughts about announcements, thoughts about what it would be like to be together. Maybe not forever, just for the moments that led up to it. 


No, it isn't what I wanted it to be. This isn't how I wanted this to go. But I guess this is the way it's supposed to be. There's that hopeless romantic side of me, that's hopeful that one day you'll stop looking around and SEE. One day, WE will stop playing around with other people and take a chance on happiness with each other. But that's the hopeless romantic side.


The truth is that we are and will be friends. And while that's the great foundation to a happy and successful relationship, you and I won't be more than that. With my rose colored glasses on, I'd say that if you came to your senses, we could get this party started. But with a fresh pair of HD contacts, it's me that needs to come to my senses and walk away. This isn't by any means the end of our friendship, but I can't hold on to the idea of being with you when you don't even look at me. It is what it is and it will be what it will be. Like I've said many times before, "forgive, forget and be on to the next". 


I love you and wish you nothing but the best. 


Signed, 
Cammy Caramel